We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
