do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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