In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
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Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
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I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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