Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize