I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
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