the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Randomize
