You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
