Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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