if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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