The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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