remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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