I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
cat food counts as protein by the way
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
