And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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