Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
