then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
