i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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