Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Randomize
