My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
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Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
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you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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