She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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