On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
