mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
