I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
