im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
you will always have a special place in my vag
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
