Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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