why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
