youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
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