just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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