Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
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