Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
