Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize