I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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