Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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