OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
