why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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