and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
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