awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
