I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
