I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
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you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
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Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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