Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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