My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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