She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
