In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
