My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
