at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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