I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
What drink are we having for lunch?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
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