I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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