The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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