I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I need to calm my uterus...
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
