I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
