dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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