If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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