you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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