now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
