The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
